"The wholeness of who I am is busting with excitement and when I tap into that energy I feel like a lion or warrior who could not be stopped."

I began my journey of release with an unconscious expectation of sunshine, rainbows, and a pot of golden knowledge when it was done. In reality it has been a painful process. Letting go of my business with a month long process of saying good bye to my staff and clients was like a little death of who I have been. It has been difficult for them too and that has weighed heavy on my heart. Not everything unfolded smoothly with many emotional upsets but I wouldn't trade a moment because I got to. I got to be a part of their lives and they a part of mine on a more profound level than I initially realized.

I noticed during my last client visits in the clinic many were experiencing feelings of rejection, loss, abandonment, and betrayl. This was an indicator that I was vibrationally holding this energy too but it was yet to be brought to my awareness. For many months I had convinced myself that I needed to stay at my clinic until there was someone who could take over. I had been deeply concerned about my staff remaining employed and my clients having a clinic. It's a rural area and I provided pain management services. With only one other clinic near by who did not accept all policies I had taken the responsibility upon myself to ensure from the best of my ability the survival of the center.

In the spring I informed my business partner of my plan to leave my position. Over the next couple of months it appeared we would negotiate a resolution allowing him to take over or merge with another center. Life threw him some curve balls so this was no longer possible. I could see no end in sight for my departure but then I realized that I could manifest what I wanted and more than likely everything would work out. I had to believe in myself.

So I set a date and informed my business partner of my decision, I decided August 17 would be my last day. My plan was to be on the island of Kauai by first week in September to begin a 3 month rest and rebalance period. Once I informed my business partner the ball was in motion multi-dimensionally. This opened a doorway of potential outcomes that would not have been seen or accessible if I had not pulled the trigger. Sometimes I sit back thinking things are just going to unfold because when it comes to many things in my life they actually do. I was realizing that in order for a new reality to present itself I needed to choose. I am aware that I am in the driver seat of my experience but still working on the knowing of when it's my turn to take action and when it's time to sit back and allow universal forces to work on my behalf.

Each person in my life has gone through their own emotions about their connection to me and about the changes happening after my decision. Some have chosen to continue being a part of my life and some have chosen to write me off. It's been a grieving and releasing process along the way. When I realized my staff wrote me off those feelings of rejection, abandonment, and betrayl came to the surface and forced me to look at what I was carrying inside myself. They were family to me and I was feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest. During my grieving I discovered how I have been unconsciously sacrificing myself for others. Then I reminded myself of my knowing that every "being" no matter the role they play in my life are creator gods who choose in every moment how they experience and see their own world.

At the same time I was also preparing my home for market. In doing so I realized how much love I put into my home. We had a rough start together. So I have also been grieving the release of a home that holds my heart energy on so many levels. I use to envisioned myself driving away listening to Christina Aguilara song Cruz. My vision was a smile on my face with a feeling of profound freedom and joy. My experience was profound tears mixed with exhaustion and concern for making the best decision. I was thinking how can something that feels like it's ripping my heart out turn out to be good for me. Is this choice really in the best service of self love? It just was not feeling like love when my heart felt so much pain. I have discovered the importance of just feeling the pain and allowing it to move through me. It is taking some practice because I was taught at a very young age not to cry or I would be punished more. After years of not allowing emotion it can be a challenge to even identify what you feel. What I have learned is that childhood traumas can become a part of us because they create new belief patterns and change our interpretation of reality.

Sometimes when I am feeling unsteady it helps to see how far I have come and to rediscover my reason for choosing this path. What is next? Sitting and allowing my emotions to surface. I now give myself permission to cry and to feel my feelings. Loving all the parts of who I am. The good and ugly and all of it in between. Letting go of things and people who are no longer a match to my new way of being. It still amazes me that after years of doing inner work so much still comes to the surface to be transmuted into love. Thank you to all my soul family, incarnate family, and friends who have supported my choice to free my soul and who continue to believe in me.

#2017 #remembering #selflove #alchemy #love #freedom #releasingpain #rejection #betrayl #abandonment