Aloha from the island of Kauai. On my first night here I received knowledge of a future potential to play out in my life. I have experienced this before so I knew I was receiving a heads up. I discovered that I can tap into future timelines that have potential of unfolding in my experience. I use the word potential because I understand that our potential experiences can shift when we create shifts within. Initially the information shook me to the core then I was very angry that I was starting my time in Kauai with this knowledge. I did not immediately realize I was revealing my own anger toward myself.

Over the next several weeks I entered a period of emptiness that was so profound at times I wanted it to end. I wanted to leave my physical body. I could feel what I imagine a suicidal person can feel in their own emptiness. I am too aware of who I am to take action on such a feeling but I did eventually reach a state of surrender. Little by little as I focused in my now I could begin to feel my own light again. This was a daily surrender, inner probing, and transmuting darkness within myself as I brought these aspects into the light of my awareness. During this time I was feeling for my connection but it was like the phone was ringing and no one was picking up. It is the closest I've ever been to despair and I found myself taking life one moment and one day at a time.

Last year when I received guidance from my guides and higher self that I would be selling my clinic and putting my home on the market I felt a wave of energy in my body. Of course I knew it was guidance but I still had free choice. Although I had done much inner work through the years over the past 6 months or so many more of my human separated/shadowed/fragmented/orphaned selves that influenced my perspective of self have come forward into my awareness. I have found that when I make a new choice more comes to the surface to be balanced/healed within.

I want to share one of these selves. The one who "feels small" who believes that she may not be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, fearless enough to move forward and live the life she desires. She has been in charge of my decisions when I would feel paralyzed from speaking my truth, posting my writings, or making a new video. She has been running the show of my life far too long. My whole-self wants to be expressed so at times I feel like a roller coaster of desiring to share what I have learned yet hiding in my shell. Inside my vessel it has felt like periods where I want to scream what I have discovered out into the world then in a snap my gut tightens and I feel a little nauseated. For me it has been recognizing these indicators because until that happened I could not choose differently. Once I fully brought her to my awareness I began giving her the love she desperately desired. I have partial awareness of when this started in a past life. It appears I have been carrying this forward for a very long time. I now stand willingly in this place of discomfort as I unlock a door called "unknown" and as it opens it will reveal to me unseen potential(s) to explore.

#darknightofthesoul #2017 #October #selflove #releasingpain #remembering #love #alchemy #fifthdimension #transmute #belief #healing #pain